Last weekend the kids and I went to Ohio to surprise my mother for her birthday. On the way down the kids fell asleep like they always do. So, it was just me, the road, and silence. I decided to put in some of my music that I always bring for car trips. I can’t remember the exact order that I played the different CDs, but I do remember the thoughts I had while listening.
I thought a lot about my Aunt Karen and the time that she was here on Earth, and the time that I had with her. I thought about how she took me to pick up my wedding dress when everyone else was busy and I remembered the time she took me out to buy new maternity clothes when I was pregnant with Ivy because she knew I couldn’t afford them on my own. I then remembered how she was taken from this world in such a sort time and how I expected her to live. I believed she would live. I believed she would be healed and that God would be glorified and the surrounding family would see Him. And then I remembered none of that happened. I was lost…and alone. I cried. (repeatedly blinking my eyes so I could see the road in front of me) I thought to myself…What God did I want to be glorified? And where was He when I thought He would make Himself known?
I don’t know the answers to these questions …and I probably never will. But right now I’m searching…waiting for something. I don’t know if it is made up, but I feel that the family might be a little closer. Maybe it’s because no one wants to miss out on time that could be spent, since we all know now that life isn’t forever.
As the songs played in my car, I thought either my past was a waste, or it wasn’t. Either the God I worshiped was real, or He wasn’t. And then I decided that I couldn’t be on the fence any longer…I needed to make a choice and go with it. At this point I have made the choice to continue the walk down the narrow path…to see where it will take me.
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3 comments:
He is real. Remember, we can't see everything here. Some day you will see it all and go - oh, I get it now. But until then, don't let it deter you from the plan He has for you. He gets it even though we don't.....
He was, is and will be forever. He is our rock and our foundation so whenever you need to for what ever reason you stand on that solid rock knowing no matter what is going on or what you feel that solid rock will NEVER crumble and it will hold you up when you cannot even hold yourself up! I know this personally. And remember we were all put here for a purpose and we are not promised a certain amount of days only that he will be with us each step of our journey if we let him. We can live our entire life and die not knowing what that purpose was but he knows. I loved my sister Karen very much and I miss her very much. And yes I prayed for her constantly but I learned a long time ago no matter how hard you pray for something just because my prayers were not answered with the answers I wanted didn't mean he didn't hear me or answer me. I have learned that I have to accept the answer given even if I don't like or understand it. Yes even if the answer is my sister dying.
Amen, my dear sister-friend.
this path is narrow, and challenging, but it only leads to life abundant.
let Him love and lead you as you walk.
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